Division of Labor
Lisa over at Midwestern Mommy wrote a short post recently concerning the never-ending who-does-what debate. You know, who does the dishes in your house? Who mows the lawn? Who gives the kids a bath? And so on and so on. She got 40 responses to that post, all of them quite interesting to read. I think she’s planning a post of the results for sometime soon, so I’m definitely watching for that.
I hadn’t thought of this since I commented on her post, but a conversation I had with Andy this morning got me thinking about it again. I wonder if we’re the norm, or if other households do it way differently. I wonder if I see things totally different than he does. After all, there are two sides to every story. So, here’s how things fall in our home:
Definitely My Responsibility:
- Laundry. To be fair, I don’t like for him to do the laundry–he’s terrible at it. But still, I do it. All of it. And there’s alot.
- Cooking. Now, that’s not to say Andy won’t provide a meal. He will, if you’re alright with pb&j. Or marshmallows and grape jelly. But that’s another story… If we want real food, I must cook it.
- Grocery Shopping. Totally my job. He’ll pick stuff up as needed, and even will go to the store if I provide an extremely detailed list. If he were to go on his own, however, we would have nothing but Pepsi, Doritos, and Little Debbie snack cakes.
- Childcare. Again, to be fair, Andy’s schedule doesn’t allow him much time at home with the boys. And when he is home, he does play with them or help with homework. But he’s just never there. And I am totally responsible for keeping up with doctor appointments, making haircut appointments, knowing clothing sizes, etc…
- Bill paying/budgeting/money management. It’s all me. I’m in charge. I’m not even sure Andy knows how much we owe to who or when the electric bill is due or how much we have in our savings account.
Definitely Andy’s Responsibility:
- Cleaning the litterbox. He took it over when I was pregnant with Drew and it’s been his job ever since.
- Cleaning the bathroom. I’ll do it if he lets it go too long, and I’m not sure he realizes it’s his job, but he does it 95% of the time.
Things We Both Do, But I Feel Like I Do More:
- Dishes
- Vacuuming
- Dusting (ok, Andy never dusts. This just didn’t seem big enough to put as a real responsibility)
- General cleaning–straightening counters, picking up empty glasses, etc…
Things We Both Do, But I Feel Like Andy Does More:
- Mow the lawn. Mostly because he’s home alone most days until 1:00, so he has the opportunity. However, while he does mow and weed-eat more than I do, I am responsible for all the flowerbeds, landscaping, weeding, etc… He wouldn’t know a weed from a daisy.
- Take out the trash. But only because he’s compulsive about it, and will take it out before it’s really full.
Ok, so there it is.
Remember, some things are determined only by scheduling. And that’s where it doesn’t always feel fair to me.
See, he’s home each night around Midnight, perhaps 1:00. Late, but not much later than he’d stay up anyway if he were home. I feel like, if he were to get up at a reasonable hour (even sleeping to 10:00 gives him 9 hours of sleep–more than I get in a night) he’s got plenty of time to accomplish household tasks, and still get in some relaxing time. Most days (at least 3 days a week, often 5) I leave work and pick up the boys before I go home. I am rarely home alone. I just seems that he could do the dishes for me, or vacuum or dust or mow the lawn without being asked 100 times, and it would make my life so much easier without inconveniencing him that much. I get so annoyed (and perhaps unfairly so–you tell me) when I get home after a full day at work only to find the same dishes still in the sink (plus someones lunch dishes), the same jammies in the middle of the floor after the morning rush out the door, and breadcrumbs on the counter from where he fixed a sandwich, and to know that now I have to deal with all of that on top of fixing dinner, doing homework with Drew, bathtime, storytime, bedtime with the boys, plus anything extra like halloween costumes or perhaps I have photos to edit from a paid shoot (meaning, I’m not doing it for fun). And all he did all morning was sleep/eat/watch tv.
Don’t get me wrong, Andy does try to give me time to myself. He’s great about that. Yesterday he took the boys for 3 hours so I could take some pictures, alone, away from the house. He’ll do that quite often. But while I’m out playing, he plays, too. While he’s out playing, I work.
It just doesn’t seem fair.
And now, well, now I’ve probably said too much. I may even take this down after a few days, because I really do try to keep personal issues to myself. But I wanted some opinions.
How does it work in your house?
Your house sounds a lot like mine. Dan works from 4:00pm-2:30am so when he’s not at work he’s sleeping. That leaves pretty much everything left for me to do. The only things he is responsible for is taking out the trash and cleaning the bathroom. Both of which I have to remind him to do. He will occasionally do laundry but only his clothes that he needs for work, he never does any extra. He is also responsible for the mowing but has done a crappy job of that this summer. Be happy that he will atleast take the boys so you can have some alone time, I don’t think that would even occur to Dan to that.
Well, since there’s only me, I do all of it. But not as often or as well as I’d like to.
We’re pretty evenly divided around here. We always have been. And with the addition of children, we’ve each taken on new responsibilities. We’re pretty good about sharing the “chores.” He does the finances, major yard work (Mowing, snowblowing, chopping wood, etc.)trash and litterbox. I do the more basic stuff, laundry, dishes, cooking (which he does just as well as I do and doesn’t complain when he needs to cook because I’m busy with something else) Dr’s appointments, shopping for clothes each season for the boys, etc. We share things like grocery shopping, and most often we go together, I can also count the number of times that he HASN’T helped with bath/bedtime and not run out of fingers on both hands. Though lately he’s been taking it as an opportunity to get the boys out of the house and let me rest a bit. I just need to make him a list of things I know we’re out of or anything I need for an upcoming meal, but he covers the basic essentials without my asking him.
I am very lucky to have found such a wonderful “life partner.” We just fit together and work like a well oiled machine. We’re good at “divide and conquer!” The other night after our soccer game the boys wanted a snack. Kevin looked at me with a blank stare, because he knew I had not brought along my regular “snack” bag for the boys. But I opened the glove compartment instead and produced two granola bars. He smiled and said, “Ahhh a secret stash!” I said, That’s right, it’s my job to make sure our children are fed. I also make sure we bring warm coats when we leave the house, etc. He said, “Yup, and it’s my job to carry it all!” And he’s right.
I hear ya! I rarely sit down just to watch TV, as I am usually working on something. I don’t have “free time” however, my hubby apparently does. Yes, he helps, but I run the household.
My house is not the typical scenario when it comes to household duties. My husband has endless energy most days which doesn’t dissapate until he passes out on the couch at around 9pm. He does most of the cleaning, mostly because it bothers him more than me to have a messy house. But I never leave him a messy house when I go to work (I would feel too guilty!). We both like to cook so we share that. Our schedules are opposite so we share child care also. As for money, he is a saver and I am a spender so we each take care of separate bills and our own money, even thought it is all OUR money!
SO far, as long as i ask only once, the chore will get done. Doug does the vacuuming, i’ll do the rest. He says that he doesn’t clean as well as me so i won’t be happy with his cleaning-only problem, i’ve never seen him clean anything but the cat box and vaccuum! It sucks being a woman sometimes.
well….i do the majority of the dishes & laundry. He mows & does the majority of the yardwork. I do the family shopping—-of all sorts. He does the majority of the cooking. He’s like MacGyver in the kitchen….so, it’s better if he does most of the cooking. Sweeping, vacuuming, etc–all me. He scrubs the tub better than I do.
What you have is a traditional division of chores left over from another generation. Women who were housewives always did the lion’s share of the housework. Andy was raised by a mother who was like that, even though she worked. Today’s couples SHOULD more often divide labor more equitably, but it doesn’t always work that way. Another thing is that the mess matters more to you than it does to Andy, so you will pick it up. That’s the way it is here, except it is Dad who is driven crazy by clutter that I can easily overlook and ignore. I guess it all depends on your basic personality.
Wow, what an interesting post. Instead of responding here, I will steal your idea and write my own post about it (of course I’ll link to you and Midwestern Mommy). I’ll let you know when it’s up.
I love seeing/hearing how other people do things. I tend to think our labor is divided such that more tasks fall on my plate, but a quick review of your division and I realize that Paul does more than I thought…and that my mom does ALOT to help, too.
Even after all this time, though, why is it that women still shoulder more household responsibility?